Stage of Dark

How dark is your life? At times it can seem your life has been full of moments you would rather not have had happen. Making it seem dark. It doesn’t have to be so far from the light. Maybe you need to see it from a different angle.

The memories of trauma are dark spots in my story. The pain and fear are felt as if they are still happening. Still feels present. They cast a darkness over my life.

The dream.

I am center stage. The auditorium of my life goes dark.

I see myself standing on a huge stage. Alone. In a darkend auditorium. No light anywhere.

Breathe.

I have let the Darkness of trauma be my story. Most of my story is not dark, but sometimes this is how it feels. Bright, happy memories are overshadowed by trauma. The dark weighing me down. It messes with my mind. Causes fear. Insecurities. It’s what the enemy wants me to focus on. I focus on the fear.

This is where I see small spotlighted pictures of some happy times of my life, on the walls of the auditorium. But most of the walls are dark with large sinister images of abuse and rape and fear and insecurities and hopelessness and self-sabotage. I don’t turn towards the lighted feel-good-happy pictures though. I am looking straight into the dark. Straight into the fear.

Shame.

The whole time Jesus is wanting me to realize I need to focus on Him. Focus on the light. To not be afraid of the dark. To know He is stronger than the dark.

There is a spotlighted image of Jesus. The image is in the direction I am facing, but I turn from the image. Focusing on the darkness, the image of Jesus moves to the area I face, lighting up the dark. Overpowering the current dark I am looking towards. Each time I turn from the image, it eventually moves to the area I face. I refuse to look at it. I keep avoiding it.

To go the way He wants me to seems uncertain. I don’t know how to live without my safeguards in place. To release the fear is to let down my walls, my security, my privacy… part of me.

But finding the light to focus on is the hard part. It’s easier to see the trauma. It’s easy to see dark. You don’t have to fight to see it. Its just there. Dark is natural. To be light, there needs to be a source.

There are scary dark images on the walls. They represent the fear. The traumas. The shame. The hopelessness. These are the ones I keep looking towards. They are very easy to see.

Trust is not always easy. You believe trust is what caused a lot of the trauma in the first place. Learning to trust Him is crucial. To see the light you need to trust God. Trust that He will be the source and keep you safe from the dark. Trust that you are safe while your back is turned to the dark, while you are facing Jesus. Trust that He is stronger than the fear.

Hope.

The goal? To be able to see my own story as light. The dark memories will still be there, but not dominant. They are merely shadows on the auditorium walls. They no longer hold the same power in my story as before. I focus on the Word, the healing, the counseling, and the journey I am taking in order to be set free from the dark. To be on the road that faces toward Jesus and not the past.

On the walls are the same dark images, but not as clear. More like looking through shadows. Those are the images that have been pushed to background. In the foreground are the light memories, and feelings. I can feel my friends beside me, praying with me, walking this journey with me. On the walls I see images of the healing processes, the advise, the scriptures, the people who care and pray for me and with me. And finally very easy to see is Jesus.

John 1:5 
The light shines in the darkness,  And the darkness has not overcome it.

Thank you to Meagan G for being the inspiration for this post. You have helped me realize the dark doesn’t have to be my story, and that I am not alone in this journey. And much more.