20 years ago my life changed.
After it happened, I struggled to see myself as someone with the power to choose. How easily I let my guard down. I lived like it defined me. It became me and dictated me. And I let it. Until now.
That night stayed with me.
So, the rape and I have cohabitated for nearly 20 years now. Being influenced by it ever since that night. Not unlike having a stranger in too-close proximity and in your space. Not realizing that it was actually rape, until very recently. Not knowing its name, I thought it was me who invited the incident into my life.
The rape, that I thought I had instigated, I let it dictate what I do, who I am, how I live, how much I love myself, what friends I have, and how much of God I allow in my life. All I knew was, at the time it happened, I was out of control of myself.
Even though it stood out from other encounters, it never occurred to me that this incident was actually rape. It didn’t happen like rape. I didn’t say “no.” There wasn’t that struggle or fight, I thought had to occur, for it to be rape. I drove to the bar on purpose. I was out with friends on purpose. I was drinking on purpose. But that is where on purpose ended.
For years I didn’t realize my on purpose had come to an end. So I let myself be guilty. Guilty of a crime I didn’t commit. The crime of being too friendly, too loose, too easy, too nieve. Living a life of finding ways to forget, and punishing myself for letting it happen. All that time feeling unsafe and bracing for what was next. Always being extra vigilant over what else could happen.
The straightforward words, from my friend from church, helped me realize the incident has a name. Rape. That word sent me reeling. It took many weeks for it to sink in. She emphasized it was never my fault. I couldn’t have been responsible for it. Yeah, I did some crazy stuff that led up to it, but those things were not wrong to do. My actions could not have caused it. I should have been able to go to the bar with friends, wear what I want, and drink, without the worry that someone would drug and rape me. It was the sin of a man who violated me.
So now I am in the process of kicking rape to the curb. Learning how to live without guilt. Purposely trying to love myself more, to let friends love me and know me, trust God more, and find security in daily living.
When trauma enters your life, it can be hard to separate yourself from the emotions that come with it. Especially while believing the trauma was self-induced. Trying to make sense or deal with it on your own seems futile. Talking about it is a whole other challenge. There may come a time you finally realize that you can’t do it on your own. But ashamed of the thought of letting someone else know the dark details of what you think is your fault. What will they think of me? Who else are they going to tell? How many people are going to judge you because you are convinced that your secret is going to get out? But let me tell you, finding that right person to share just a piece of that burden you carry is soul lifting. Knowing that she is there to pray with you, and for you, may make that healing journey that much easier to travel.
I am on my personal journey now. So I am not sure of the whole process, but knowing someone is there praying with me and taking time from her busy schedule to join me in the battle is assuring. Learning how to see the different traumas in my story are not who I am and do not define me. Also, I am learning along the way how to start to trust God. And being more diligent in searching for God on purpose.
This Is Me 