My goal in sharing is to give hope and compassion to others. You are not alone in your healing.
Throughout your life you remember past trauma in bits and pieces, usually when you least expect to. You remember the very feelings that have influenced your personality and shaped who you are today. You remember the fear. Then, at another point, remember the powerlessness. Another time, the neglect. The helplessness. Betrayal. Guilt. Confusion. All the feelings and memories, separated by time.
Then, there are moments where some of these feelings are felt together. Especially when something like an old photo or even a scent triggers a memory. These feelings are exhausting. They make you lose focus on your everyday life. Cause a not so unfamiliar hurt in your soul to visit once again. Adding yet another, unintentional, unique touch on your personality. The need to dissect each feeling to actually comprehend the effect they’ve had on your life becomes paramount, so you can finally begin to live the life God intended.
Hopefully, these feelings will one day be put into perspective. Although, once the realization hits that these memories are not going away, and these feelings are going to keep coming back at you with a vengeance as time goes by, hopelessness sets in.
Imagine placing the memories and feelings of the trauma into one reservoir. Slowly bringing them all together in one place. Taking the wall down from around each, allowing them to mingle. It’s like placing them all together in one clear, soul shaped ball. I can see the memories of some events of the trauma. I can feel the weight from heaviness of the feelings. Some heavier than others: powerlessness, helplessness, sadness, guilt, betrayal, hurt, fear. The energy from these are moving, colliding, bouncing around, and ricocheting in this soul shaped ball, leaving cracks and dents. You fear that your soul is about to break. Left behind are scars that have revealed themselves in the form of shame, numbness, contempt, self-destruction, sabotage, insecurity, despair, failure.
Within my own soul, no one can see the building turmoil. The heaviness of these result in a constant dull ache pleading to escape. The inability to cry, or the use of other means fail at an attempt to ease the deep, ever-present pain that has left me feeling noticeably wounded.
Thanks to a sermon on fear, a great friend who is going to battle against the enemy with me, and friends who have my back in prayer, I now feel like I am eventually going to get freedom from the past that has held me hostage all these years. But for now, I am getting deep into the dark trenches, confronting and understanding the underlying causes and effects of trauma on me, my personality, and my life. Not to forget to mention how trauma has strongly influenced my spiritual walk with Jesus.
This is a battle.
This is a battle where I rescue my soul. Stop the cycle of self sabotage. And find a strategy that will, eventually, lead to a clear view of God and of Heaven.
By the Grace of God, the soul refuses to shatter, regardless of how fragile it feels. No one, not Satan, not another person can totally destroy your soul, no matter how much abuse or trauma has knocked it around and violated it. The soul can go into survival mode. It can definitely feel broken. But with the help from Jesus, it can be revived. You can survive.
Matthew 10:28
This Is Me 